test results
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- Created on Wednesday, 13 May 2009 10:35
- Written by Erik
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I haven’t written here for several months. There hasn’t been much to report. I like it that way. My recovery is continuing, but it’s exceedingly slow. Even now, six months after my treatment ended, I’m basically only eating soup and porridge, and I wake up in the middle of the night since my throat gets too dry. My neck is still stiff, but it feels more normal, like a part of me and not someone else.
I’ve been very busy the last couple of months. Frantic even. I’ve written things continuously — chapters for my forthcoming book, conference papers, and academic articles. It’s not what I planned to do when coming back to life. I was going to go around and hug people and smell flowers and enjoy the sun. Instead I’m constantly at the computer. Maybe it’s a process of self-assertion. I have to write, write, write to make myself into the same old person again. I also feel stressed, like I don’t have as much time as other people. I’m more impatient.
Most of my plans to change my life around have not materialized. I don’t meditate, for example, like I promised myself. Apart from the frantic writing, most things are pretty much the way they were before the calamity struck. I’m disappointed by that. Every day routines are stronger than most resolutions.
Btw, I’m going back to Taipei for test results today. I took a lung X-ray last week and a test for “disseminated malignant neoplasm” in the blood. Sounds terrible, but I guess the whole point is to look for the stuff. Yes, I’m a bit nervous about the results, but only a bit. Reports will follow.
6 o’clock update: Just back from the big hospital. Dr. Hong was very happy with me. Blood test is fine and lungs are fine. Hong revealed something interesting: “I was a bit worried in January,” he said, “there were so many nodes with cancer in them. I was afraid there would be a recurrance.” But now “every time the risk of a recurrance goes down.” He seemed genuinely relieved. He clearly doesn’t want me to die on his shift. Well, I ain’t gonna. More tests, but not until September! I don’t have to worry about this stupid thing for another four months.