my cancer diary

officially cancer-free!!!

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Created on Thursday, 22 January 2009 10:34

Written by Erik

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I got the results back from the tests and I’m now officially cancer-free.  No lesions on the MRI; nothing in my lungs.  “No problems,” said Dr. Hong; “It loks pretty good,” said Dr. Ding.  It’s over, it’s behind me.  I had cancer, but now I don’t.  I’m a cancer survivor, with the horrible condition in my past and not in my present.  You have no idea how great it is to write these words.

Yes, it could come back.  But I’ll be doing check-ups every three months from now on.  “We treated such an extensive area,” said Dr. Hong, “and we want to make sure you’re OK.”  Not only am I cancer-free, but I’m better monitored than next-to every other normal person.

Yes, there are still side-effects of the treatment — I can’t really eat and I can’t really sleep — but who cares about side-effects?  I love side-effects!  They are so much better than the primary effects.

Coming back home to tell my kids was one of the best moments in my life.  “Pappa has no cancer!”  “Great, great, great.”  Hugs and kisses all around.  The girls have worried so much.

I have a long Oscar-style list of people I want to thank, but let me be brief.  Without Diane, my wife, I wouldn’t have made it; and not without Mei-hong and my other colleagues at work, and not without you, dear blog reader.  You cheered me up and gave me invaluable advice when things were at their bleakest.  I’m eternally grateful.

But of course I think about the people I met in the queues to my doctors, the fellow unfortunates in the radiation room, in the chemo-therapy center.  Some of them were old, but some were far too young.  Some of them, like me, will make it, but some of them won’t.  It’s not fair.  I feel guilty, like all survivors.

And one more thing: if you smoke, please stop.  Stop immediately.   And don’t engage in other stupid, cancer-producing, activities. I don’t want to read your cancer blog in a year’s time.  Writing a cancer blog is great, but not writing a cancer blog is infinitely better.

love to all,

Erik

test results

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Created on Wednesday, 13 May 2009 10:35

Written by Erik

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I haven’t written here for several months.  There hasn’t been much to report.  I like it that way.  My recovery is continuing, but it’s exceedingly slow.  Even now, six months after my treatment ended, I’m basically only eating soup and porridge, and I wake up in the middle of the night since my throat gets too dry.  My neck is still stiff, but it feels more normal, like a part of me and not someone else.

I’ve been very busy the last couple of months.  Frantic even.  I’ve written things continuously — chapters for my forthcoming book, conference papers, and academic articles.  It’s not what I planned to do when coming back to life.  I was going to go around and hug people and smell flowers and enjoy the sun.  Instead I’m constantly at the computer.  Maybe it’s a process of self-assertion.  I have to write, write, write to make myself into the same old person again.  I also feel stressed, like I don’t have as much time as other people.  I’m more impatient.

Most of my plans to change my life around have not materialized.  I don’t meditate, for example, like I promised myself.  Apart from the frantic writing, most things are pretty much the way they were before the calamity struck.  I’m disappointed by that.  Every day routines are stronger than most resolutions.

Btw, I’m going back to Taipei for test results today.  I took a lung X-ray last week and a test for “disseminated malignant neoplasm” in the blood.  Sounds terrible, but I guess the whole point is to look for the stuff.  Yes, I’m a bit nervous about the results, but only a bit.  Reports will follow.

6 o’clock update: Just back from the big hospital.  Dr. Hong was very happy with me.  Blood test is fine and lungs are fine.  Hong revealed something interesting: “I was a bit worried in January,” he said, “there were so many nodes with cancer in them. I was afraid there would be a recurrance.”  But now “every time the risk of a recurrance goes down.”  He seemed genuinely relieved.  He clearly doesn’t want me to die on his shift.  Well, I ain’t gonna.  More tests, but not until September!  I don’t have to worry about this stupid thing for another four months.

I got six months!

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Created on Saturday, 16 January 2010 01:50

Written by Erik

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I just came back from the doctors at TaiDa hospital.  I did my regular check-up -- blood sample and lung X-ray -- and everything is fine. Yes, fine, fine. I'm very happy.  In fact, Dr Hong gave me six months until next visit instead of the regular three months.  "We are all very busy," he said. Clearly I'm wasting his time.

"The first year is most dangerous," said Dr Ko, and I had half a mind to ask exactly how bad my odds had been a year ago, but I decided that it's better not to know.

I complained a bit about my dry mouth, but Hong was as thoroughly unimpressed as always. "It's unavoidable," he said, meaning "I save lives, OK, I don't do dry mouths!"  Fair enough. He saved mine.

So how am I doing?  There really isn't much progress as far as eating is concerned.  I'm still on a porrage, soup and milk-shake diet.  I still wake up in the middle of the night since I'm all dried out.  If I catch even the smallest flu I feel really, really lousy.  But, as always, I'm not complaining.

So, another respite. Six months is a long time, and there'll be many six months after that. I can finish my book!  And start making serious plans for the future.

just another regular check-up

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Created on Tuesday, 22 June 2010 14:33

Written by Erik

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It's been six months and I'm going back up to the big hospital in Taipei for a regular check-up. I thought I'd eventually get used to these regular tests, but I never will.  I live in bits and pieces; a few months at the time. During every visit to the doctor I expect him to tell me my time is up.  That the nightmare once again has begun.

I live like Martin Heidegger, and Buddha himself, wanted human beings to live: with a constant and acute awareness of the meaningless abyss which surrounds us.  But I'm not cut out for nirvana. Occupying this elevated position makes me nauseous.

"It's a good thing they check up on you," says Saga. "Most people have no idea if they go around with some horrible illness."  And of course she's right. It's just a regular check-up.