July 19th, 2008 erik
On July 18, 2008, I was diagnosed with cancer in the lymph gland on the right side of my throat. This is my diary of whatever happened next. There are thousands of cancer diaries on the web, just as there are millions of people in the world. But this cancer blog, and this life, is mine.
The time since my diagnosis and the operation has been very difficult for me and my family. It’s been an extraordinary time, filled with hopes as much as fears. Expressing these emotions on this page, and simply chronicling the events as they happen, have been my way of coming to terms with what I’m going through. Sharing it with you, and getting your comments has been a great source of comfort. You have cheered us up, given invaluable advice, and encouraged us to go on. I’m immensely grateful. Having cancer is terrible, but sharing the experience has made it an easier burden to carry. Thank you all!!!
If you’re more interested in my regular blog, Too Many Mangoes, you can find it here.
I’ll write as often as I can.
yours always,
Erik Ringmar
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I haven’t written here for a while. It’s nice not to write on this blog. It means that nothing bad is happening. No news is good news.
I don’t know what’s happening. I’m still not getting any better. In fact there haven’t been any real improvements for the whole past month. I can still only eat soup and at night I wake up every two hours since my mouth is completely dried out.
These are the three people 
to return? I guess there will be all kinds of tests … Meanwhile, I’ll think of myself as a “cancer survivor.”
I was surprised by all the heavy-duty drugs I was given this week. This is the kind of stuff you read about in newspapers — morphine and cocaine! My previous history as a drug user is easily told. I never tried any heavy recreational drugs and the few times — twice perhaps — that I smoked marijuana, I really hated it. Since those bad experiences some 25 years ago, it’s been clear to me that drugs are scary and that my mind doesn’t need additional excitement. My mind creates sufficient excitement on its own.
Everyone knows you shouldn’t smoke. But there are different ways of knowing things. Everyone also knows that it hurts if you hit your thumb with a hammer. Still, you know this fact in a completely different way if you actually take a hammer and whack your thumb as hard as you can.
This is a short list of the different drugs I’m taking at the moment. None of it is heavy stuff, but there is a lot to remember:
Now I’m down to eating only oatmeal porridge — what Swedes call gröt. I had oatmeal for breakfast, lunch and dinner yesterday and for breakfast and lunch today. And I suspect there’s more oatmeal on the menu tonight. A bowl of oatmeal has most of what you need for survival — stomach filler, lots of milk, big wallops of jam; carbohydrates, liquid, protein, vitamins. And I can just about get it down my swollen gullet.
Ever since my operation I haven’t bothered to shave. When you have a large gash going from your ear to your chin you don’t particularly feel like shaving. As a result I’ve become fairly hairy. It’s not a beard exactly since it’s too scraggly, but it’s definitely facial hair. My almost-a-beard is a great source of amazement to everyone at the hospital. Chinese men, in general, don’t do beards very well (cf. Confucius to the left).
